Musings on life, depression and growing old.
I spent most of last night unable to sleep, for physical and mental reasons. So I had plenty of time to think; and this is what I thought.
I have been withdrawing from my ADs (Seroplex) for 3 weeks now, and the day before yesterday the dose dropped again for a few weeks before I stop altogether. I am starting to worry about things and think about things I haven’t done for some time. This is how it goes.
On Thursday night I went into hospital for my sleep assessment. I spent the night with tubes up my nose, a clip on my finger and a thingy taped to my throat (by a big square of tape) and attached to a computer. Of course as soon as I was attached I felt desperate to pee and the nearest toilet was not close enough to reach. So a bedpan it was. In France they seem to think you can use one whilst lying down! I digress - I’m not sure how it went yet but it was not as uncomfortable as it sounds. All the stuff was removed and I went home. Later that day the patch where the tape was became inflamed and very irritated. Despite witch hazel and creams it was one of the things keeping me awake at night. More to the point whilst dealing with it I was using a magnifying mirror and had the realisation that my skin was all loose and crinkly. I have old persons skin. Whaaaagh.
My arthritis was also playing up so I couldn’t get comfortable and I finally resorted to painkillers. Then I started coughing as my throat was continually drying up (this is one of the sleep problems – I am guessing I must sleep with my mouth open and it dries my throat).
Add to that all the things going through my mind. Money worries. Nothing new here, either for myself or most of the people I know. We live in a depressed rural area and work is sometimes not very forthcoming. The surprise is that I hadn’t been worrying about it up to now. Then thinking about people, what they thought of me, was I being taken advantage of, was I appreciated etc. I mean, life is too short, this is not something I am prone to worrying about – why now? To top it all when I eventually fell asleep I dreamt my mum was having a go at me about something and really did not like me. Now I know this isn’t true. I love my mum but I also know she is very critical and has been all my life and deep down I feel she doesn’t like me even if I know that isn’t so (having said that she has never told me she does).
So all in all a pretty disturbed and disturbing night. I guess a lot is down to the AD withdrawal and I need to get a grip or I will be back on them. I felt better when I was just feeling above it all (even though I wasn’t aware the ADs were making me feel that way) but that can be dangerous especially as far as money is concerned, a little worry is useful.
About 8 years ago I was on Prozac and seeing a therapist (during the time I shared a house with my mum). I was also introduced to the Soka Gakkai by a friend. This is a lay Buddhist organisation; the name literally means ‘Value Creating Society’. There form of practice is chanting (you may have heard the chant ‘Nam Myoho Renge Kyo’.) I believe that this practice enabled me to withdraw from the Prozac with no problem and sort my life out and still sustains me today. I have lapsed a bit though and usually only chant a few times a week.
So I need a plan.
I need to start chanting regularly– ideally at least half an hour a day.
I need to get back on the anti arthritis diet with a vengeance, and lose some weight too, for the sake of my health.
I need to put more effort into an online store and try to make a regularish income out of it no matter how small.
I need to stay in better contact with my mum and try to have the best relationship we can – she wont be around forever.
Well enough of the psychodrivel, if you waded your way through that congratulations.